EMI champions pirate downloads! January 22, 2008
Posted by Paul Birch in : EMI, Napster, Terra Firma , add a commentHands challenges music industry to find new ways to sell
By Margareta Pagano, Business Editor . Independent on SundayPublished: 20 January 2008
Guy Hands, the boss of Terra Firma, the private equity group that has just taken over EMI, has accused the music industry of ignoring its customers.
Mr Hands said: “It’s got away with hiring artists and putting out boring CDs that very few people want to buy any more. It even tried to stop Napster, and stop youngsters from downloading. Why on earth would you want to stop people getting free music? What you have to do – and what we will do – is find ways for them to want to buy the music.”
Mr Hands was responding to criticism from within the industry since taking over EMI and planning 2,000 job cuts. He even agreed with Radiohead, the band that put its latest album on the Internet rather than launching a CD, asking its fans to pay what they wanted for the music.
“I completely understand why Radiohead did this,” he said. “The challenge now for us at EMI is to find new ways to finance and nurture young artists, and to please our customers, who come in all age groups and all want different things. CDs just don’t compare with records for their excitement. We want to find new products of the future.”
Hiring Artists? Of course the closest Hands got to the music Industry before - disliking the company so much - he bought it, was to “hire” a band to play at the bowling alley. Hands of course is a first rate ten-pin-bowler, he just hasn’t quite adopted the game in the same way as his peers, insisting on bowling “over-arm”. It’s fun to watch, but he destroys a lot of lanes before he makes a strike!
Of course things like “detail” and “business” are outside Guy Hands’ grasp, as, single-handed, he takes on the Industries’ united front against piracy. He embarrasses all of his senior management team, who have worked their entire lives to see EMI take their place shoulder to shoulder with the other majors and Indies in our combined effort against thoughtless governments, organised crime and a patent Office asleep on the job.
Hands has been scratching and saving all these years, putting away premium bonds and under-tipping at the restaurant next door to the Ivy, in order to save enough money to buy EMI. The next quote is so priceless even master card wouldn’t touch it; “It even tried to stop Napster, and stop youngsters from downloading“. Please penny for the Guy - our man at EMI takes the (half man half..) biscuit. Even the last idiot that ran EMI (from United biscuits) knew a bloody good chocolate digestive from an R&B band! Well, we think he did…
We all know he didn’t agree for Radiohead to make the release, he is wearing their clothes (bit tight, nice flairs, lose the spandex). In fact XL made the release not EMI; not that Hands would have noticed they weren’t on his label anymore. Muppet!
Tune in next week, when Guy Hands joins the remaining bands he has left on the label, playing Bass! OK, the Bass is easily picked up and practically anyone can play it providing they have a sense of rhythm and they can get the band a few gigs and drive the van… But Guy, its not a flaming double bass you moron, and don’t wear spandex over your suit - you flaming idiot.
